Have you ever been in an argument with your partner and realized that you weren’t really trying to understand each other anymore?
You were trying to win.
You wanted them to understand your perspective. You wanted them to acknowledge that you were right. You wanted them to see things the way you saw them.
And somewhere along the way, the conversation became less about solving the problem and more about proving a point.
This is where one of the Gottman Method’s important relationship principles comes in:
Accepting influence.
What Does It Mean to Accept Influence?
Accepting influence means being open to your partner’s perspective and allowing their thoughts, feelings, needs, and preferences to have an impact on you.
It does not mean agreeing with everything your partner says. It does not mean abandoning your needs. And it doesn’t mean saying, “Fine, you win.”
Instead, it means communicating:
“You matter to me enough that I’m willing to consider your perspective.”
The Gottman Institute describes accepting influence as being open to your partner’s ideas and opinions and allowing their perspective to be part of the decision-making process.
That’s very different from simply giving in.
Agreement Isn’t the Goal
Healthy couples are not going to agree about everything.
You may have different opinions about money, parenting, household responsibilities, vacations, socializing, sex, family boundaries, or how much time you need together versus apart.
The goal isn’t to eliminate those differences. The goal is to learn how to navigate differences without turning your partner into the enemy.
You can say:
“I don’t completely agree, but I understand why you feel that way.”
Or:
“I hadn’t thought about it from that perspective.”
Or:
“I can see why this matters to you.”
Those statements don’t mean you’ve surrendered your position. They mean you’ve made room for your partner’s experience.
The Difference Between Listening and Accepting Influence
You can technically listen to your partner while mentally preparing your rebuttal.
Your partner talks. You wait. Then you explain why they’re wrong.
That’s not really openness. Accepting influence requires curiosity.
Try asking:
“What am I missing?”
“Why is this important to you?”
“What would this look like from your perspective?”
“Is there something about this that I haven’t considered?”
You may still disagree when the conversation is over.
But now you’re making a decision with your partner’s perspective in the room.
Look for the “Yes”
One of the simplest ways to practice accepting influence is to look for the part of your partner’s position that you can genuinely agree with.
Maybe you can’t agree with everything they said.
Can you agree with one part?
“I can see why you felt hurt.”
“I agree that we haven’t been spending enough time together.”
“I understand why you don’t want to make that decision right now.”
“I can see how my response made the situation worse.”
That small point of agreement can change the direction of a conversation.
Instead of building a case against your partner, you’re building a bridge toward them.
Ask Yourself: Do I Want to Be Right or Connected?
This doesn’t mean you should ignore important concerns just to keep the peace.
There are times when you need to hold a boundary. There are times when you need to advocate for yourself. There are times when you genuinely disagree.
But in many everyday conflicts, the question isn’t:
“Who’s right?”
It’s:
“How can we make room for both of us?”
Gottman describes healthy influence as mutual. Both partners should have a voice, and both should be willing to consider the other’s perspective.
That creates a relationship where neither person has to fight to be heard.
Try This the Next Time You Disagree
The next time you and your partner get stuck, pause before defending your position.
Try these four steps:
1. Listen.
Give your partner your full attention.
2. Reflect.
Tell them what you understand about their perspective.
3. Find the valid piece.
Identify something that makes sense to you, even if you don’t agree with everything.
4. Consider flexibility.
Ask yourself, “Is there somewhere I can meet my partner halfway?”
You might say:
“I still see this differently, but I understand your point. What if we tried it this way?”
That’s accepting influence. It’s not surrender. It’s partnership.
Because a strong relationship isn’t one where one person always gets their way.
It’s one where both people can say:
“Your perspective matters to me.”
And sometimes, the most powerful thing you can do in a disagreement isn’t convince your partner to see things your way.
It’s allow yourself to see things their way, too.
