Sometimes the argument is just the surface. The real conversation is underneath.
Couples rarely argue about only one thing.
A disagreement about dishes may actually be about feeling unsupported.
An argument about texting may actually be about connection.
A disagreement about money may actually be about security.
A conflict about spending time together may actually be about feeling prioritized.
When couples become stuck in conflict, they often focus on proving their position. Each person explains why they are right, why their partner is wrong, and why the other person needs to change.
Nonviolent Communication offers another possibility:
Get curious about the need underneath the argument.
Needs Are Beneath Our Communication
At the heart of Nonviolent Communication is the idea that human beings have universal needs.
These can include needs such as:
• Connection
• Understanding
• Respect
• Safety
• Autonomy
• Appreciation
• Belonging
• Support
• Trust
• Honesty
• Rest
• Play
• Affection
• Meaning
Our behavior is often an attempt to meet these needs.
The challenge is that our strategies for meeting those needs aren’t always effective.
For example, someone may need connection but pursue it by repeatedly texting, demanding reassurance, or becoming angry when their partner doesn’t respond.
Someone may need autonomy but pursue it by withdrawing or refusing to engage.
Someone may need appreciation but express that need through criticism:
“You never notice anything I do.”
The underlying need may be completely understandable, even when the strategy for expressing it creates more conflict.
Needs Are Not the Same as Strategies
This distinction can be incredibly helpful for couples.
Need: Connection
Strategy: “You need to spend every evening with me.”
Need: Appreciation
Strategy: “You should know everything I do without me having to tell you.”
Need: Autonomy
Strategy: “I’m not discussing this.”
Need: Safety
Strategy: “I’m going to shut down whenever we disagree.”
The need is legitimate.
The strategy is one possible way of trying to meet that need, and there may be healthier strategies available.
This gives couples more flexibility.
Instead of asking:
“How do I get my partner to do what I want?”
We can begin asking:
“What need am I trying to meet, and what other strategies might help?”
What Happens When We Identify the Need?
Imagine a couple arguing because one partner is spending a lot of time on their phone.
The conversation might sound like:
“You’re always on your phone.”
“I work on my phone. I’m allowed to relax.”
“You care more about your phone than you care about me.”
“Nothing I do is ever good enough for you.”
Now both partners are defending themselves.
But perhaps underneath the conflict is something different.
One partner is needing connection and presence.
The other partner is needing rest and autonomy.
Suddenly, there is more information available.
The question becomes:
How can we create a solution that honors both needs?
Maybe they establish intentional phone-free time together while also protecting individual downtime.
The conflict hasn’t disappeared.
But the couple is no longer treating each other as the problem.
They’re working together to solve the problem.
Try This the Next Time You Argue
When you notice yourself becoming defensive, critical, or withdrawn, pause.
Ask yourself:
1. What am I feeling?
Try to move beyond “I feel like you don’t care.”
Instead, identify the emotion: hurt, lonely, frustrated, overwhelmed, disappointed, anxious, or disconnected.
2. What am I needing?
Ask:
“What is important to me right now?”
Maybe it’s connection, reassurance, respect, support, understanding, rest, or appreciation.
3. What strategy am I using to meet that need?
Is it actually helping?
Or is it creating more distance?
4. How can I communicate the need without making my partner the enemy?
Instead of:
“You never listen to me.”
Try:
“I’m feeling disconnected, and I really need to feel heard. Could you give me a few minutes to tell you what’s been on my mind?”
Instead of:
“You don’t appreciate anything I do.”
Try:
“I’ve been putting a lot of energy into things lately, and I’d really appreciate some acknowledgment.”
Instead of:
“Leave me alone.”
Try:
“I’m overwhelmed and need some space to regulate. I want to come back to this conversation when I can be more present.”
The Goal Isn’t to Eliminate Conflict
Healthy relationships aren’t relationships where two people never disagree.
They’re relationships where two people can become increasingly skilled at understanding what is happening beneath the disagreement.
When we can identify the feelings and needs underneath our words, we create more opportunities for empathy, collaboration, and connection.
The next time you find yourself in an argument, try asking:
“What am I really needing right now?”
And then get curious about your partner:
“I wonder what they might be needing underneath what they’re saying.”
You may discover that you’re not actually on opposite sides.
You may simply be two people using different strategies to meet very human needs.
The argument is the surface.
The need is often underneath.
