When we think about improving our relationships, we often think about the big things: having better communication, resolving conflict, planning date nights, or making more time for each other.
Those things certainly matter, but some of the most important moments in a relationship are much smaller.
Your partner says, “Look at this.”
They tell you something funny that happened at work.
They sigh and look over at you.
They reach for your hand.
They ask, “Do you want to hear what happened today?”
These ordinary moments can be opportunities for connection. The Gottman Institute refers to these attempts to connect as bids for connection.
What Is a Bid for Connection?
A bid is essentially an attempt to get your partner’s attention, affection, interest, support, or engagement.
Sometimes a bid is obvious:
“Can we talk? I’ve had a really hard day.”
But many bids are much more subtle:
“Look at this!”
“You won’t believe what happened.”
“Do you know what I was thinking about today?”
Sending your partner a funny video
Asking their opinion about something
Reaching for their hand
Making an inside joke
Sharing something they’re excited about
Sighing or looking for reassurance
The underlying message may be as simple as: “Come connect with me for a moment.”
Three Ways We Can Respond
Here are three general ways partners respond to bids.
1. Turning toward
Turning toward means acknowledging and engaging with your partner.
“Really? What happened?”
“That sounds exciting. Tell me more.”
“Come here.”
“That’s hilarious.”
Even a few seconds of genuine attention can communicate, “I’m interested in you.”
2. Turning away
Turning away happens when we ignore or miss the bid.
Your partner says, “Look at this,” and you continue scrolling.
They start telling you about their day, and you barely respond.
Sometimes this isn’t intentional. You may be distracted, exhausted, working, or simply not realize your partner is reaching for connection.
3. Turning against
Turning against is responding negatively to the bid.
“Can you stop bothering me?”
“Why do you always need my attention?”
“I don’t care.”
Instead of creating connection, the response creates distance or conflict.
You Don’t Have to Turn Toward Every Time
This is important. Healthy relationships aren’t built on being available every second of every day.
You will miss bids.
You will be tired.
You will be distracted.
Sometimes you genuinely won’t have the capacity to engage.
The goal isn’t perfection. It’s the pattern.
If your partner frequently experiences you as interested, responsive, and emotionally available, those repeated moments can help create a sense of security and connection.
And when you can’t turn toward in the moment, you can still communicate care:
“I want to hear about this, but I need to finish this first. Can you tell me about it in a few minutes?”
That’s very different from simply dismissing the bid.
Start Looking for the Tiny Moments
One of the easiest ways to practice this is simply to become more aware.
For one day, pay attention to how often your partner reaches toward you.
Notice the questions.
The jokes.
The stories.
The touches.
The little updates.
The “look at this” moments.
Then experiment with responding differently.
Instead of automatically saying “uh-huh,” look up.
Instead of immediately solving the problem, ask a question.
Instead of assuming the story isn’t important, remember that the connection may be the important part.
You don’t have to make every moment meaningful. You just have to be willing to notice them.
Connection Is Often Built in the Ordinary
Relationships are made up of thousands of small interactions.
A relationship isn’t strengthened only when you have a deep conversation or plan an elaborate date. Sometimes it’s strengthened when your partner says:
“Look at this.”
And you put your phone down and say:
“Okay, show me.”
That small moment communicates something powerful:
“Your world matters to me.”
Over time, those small moments can become part of the emotional foundation of a relationship.
The next time your partner reaches for you, even in the smallest way, pause. Notice the bid. And when you can, turn toward.
