So, you have a problem you want to solve.
Maybe you feel anxious.
Maybe you’re stuck in recurring relationship conflict.
Maybe trust has been broken.
Maybe you’re struggling with a major life transition.
And naturally, you want to understand the problem.
What happened?
How long has it been happening?
What maintains it?
How does it affect the person or relationship?
These questions matter, but there’s another set of questions that can be just as important:
What are you already doing that is helping?
The problem is not an identity
You may be experiencing anxiety without being an anxious person.
You and your partner may be experiencing disconnection without being a disconnected couple.
You may have experienced betrayal without betrayal becoming the entirety of your identity.
When you separate the idnetity from the problem, you create room for curiosity.
Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me?” you can begin asking:
“What is this problem doing, and how have I responded to it?”
That small shift can change the conversation.
Look for competence
Competence doesn’t necessarily look dramatic.
Sometimes competence is getting out of bed when life feels heavy.
It’s recognizing that a conversation is escalating and taking a pause.
It’s coming back after the pause.
It’s asking for what you need instead of expecting your partner to read your mind.
It’s setting a boundary.
It’s apologizing.
It’s trying again.
It’s noticing a pattern you don’t want to repeat.
It’s reaching out for support.
These moments can easily get overlooked because they’re often overshadowed by the problem, but they contain valuable information.
Look for exceptions
If a you and your partner say, “We always fight about everything,” curiosity might lead us to ask:
“Are there moments when you don’t fight?”
If the answer is yes, the next question becomes:
“What’s happening differently during those moments?”
Maybe you’re less tired.
Maybe they’re more playful.
Maybe you slow down.
Maybe they feel appreciated.
Maybe you’re spending time together without distractions.
Maybe one partner responds differently to the other’s bid for connection.
That exception isn’t meaningless. It’s information.
It gives the you a glimpse into a version of your relationship that already exists.
Strengths can become clues
I invite you to notice what is working, even when things aren’t working perfectly.
Instead of focusing exclusively on deficits, ask:
“What would I like to see more of?”
“When does that already happen, even a little?”
“What are we doing when things go slightly better?”
“What would make the next step just 5% easier?”
The goal isn’t to be convinced that everything is fine. It’s to identify existing resources that can be expanded.
This isn’t toxic positivity
Focusing on competence does not mean ignoring pain.
It doesn’t mean saying “look on the bright side.” It doesn’t mean minimizing trauma, betrayal, grief, conflict, or legitimate relationship problems.
You can be deeply hurt and resilient.
A relationship can be struggling and contain moments of connection.
They can make mistakes and still possess the capacity to repair.
Two things can be true at the same time.
A different question
Sometimes therapy begins with:
“What’s wrong?”
But another powerful question is:
“What’s already here that we can build on?”
The answer might be a strength.
A value.
A relationship skill.
A moment of courage.
A successful repair.
A boundary.
A tiny exception to the problem’s usual pattern.
Those moments can become clues.
When we stop viewing ourselves and others primarily through the lens of pathology, we create more room to see a complex human being with history, struggles, strengths, values, relationships, and the capacity for change.
The problem may be part of the story, and it doesn’t have to be the whole story.
