We all have stories about ourselves.
Some stories are empowering:
“I’ve been through difficult things, and I know I can find my way through them.”
Others can become limiting:
“I’m broken.”
“I always choose the wrong people.”
“I’m not enough.”
“This is just who I am.”
Over time, these stories can feel less like stories and more like facts.
Our problems and experiences may influence our stories, but they do not have to define the entire story.
When the Problem Becomes the Identity
After painful experiences, it’s easy for a person to begin defining themselves by what happened.
A difficult relationship can become:
“I can’t trust anyone.”
A divorce can become:
“I’m a failure at relationships.”
A mistake can become:
“I always ruin everything.”
A period of anxiety can become:
“I’m an anxious person.”
The problem becomes intertwined with identity.
Instead of:
“I am broken.”
Ask yourself:
“What has this experience caused me to believe about myself?”
That small shift can create space. The problem is no longer who you are. It is something you are experiencing, responding to, and potentially changing.
Looking for the Exceptions
One powerful practice is looking for moments that don’t fit the dominant problem-saturated story.
If the story is:
“I’m not confident.”
Ask yourself:
“Was there a time I acted with confidence, even when I didn’t feel confident.”
If the story is:
“I’m incapable of setting boundaries.”
Ask yourself:
“When have I said no, protected myself, or stood up for what mattered to me?”
If the story is:
“My relationship always brings out the worst in me.”
Ask yourself:
“When have my partner and I responded differently? What was happening then?”
These moments may seem small. But small moments can contain important evidence about who we are.
You Are More Than What Happened to You
Becoming the author of your story doesn’t mean denying painful experiences.
It doesn’t mean saying:
“Everything happens for a reason.”
It doesn’t mean pretending trauma, loss, rejection, betrayal, or disappointment didn’t matter.
It means recognizing that your experience is one part of your story, not the whole story.
You can acknowledge:
“This hurt me.”
while also discovering:
“And I survived it.”
You can say:
“I made mistakes.”
while also saying:
“And I am capable of learning.”
You can acknowledge:
“Someone treated me as though I wasn’t valuable.”
without concluding:
“Therefore, I have no value.”
The meaning we give our experiences matters.
Re-Authoring the Next Chapter
I invite you to become curious about the story you want to continue writing.
What values do you want your life to reflect?
What kind of partner, friend, parent, or person do you want to be?
What strengths have carried you through difficult moments?
What experiences have taught you something important?
What would the next chapter look like if the problem wasn’t holding the pen?
You don’t have to completely rewrite your past. You can write a different next chapter.
Maybe the new story sounds like:
“I’ve been hurt, but I’m capable of healing.”
“I’ve made mistakes, but they don’t determine my worth.”
“I’ve experienced unhealthy relationships, but I can learn to recognize and create healthier ones.”
“I don’t know exactly what comes next, but I have a voice in creating it.”
Your story matters. Your past matters. Your pain matters.
But your pain doesn’t get to be the only author. You get a say in what comes next.
Begin discovering that the story you’ve been telling yourself isn’t the only story available.
You are not just the character in your story. You can become its author.
