When we’re struggling, it’s natural to focus on everything that needs to change.
We might think:
I need to communicate better.
I need to stop overthinking.
We need to fix our relationship.
I need to feel more confident.
I need to get my life together.
The problem is that looking at the entire mountain can make taking the first step feel overwhelming.
Let me offer you a different perspective: What if we started by looking for what is already working?
Look for the exceptions
Even during difficult seasons, problems rarely happen 100% of the time.
There may be moments when the anxiety feels slightly less intense.
There may be conversations with your partner that don’t turn into an argument.
There may be mornings when getting out of bed feels a little easier.
There may be situations where you respond differently than you normally would.
These moments are important. Rather than dismissing them as insignificant, we can become curious about them.
What was different?
What did you do differently?
Who or what helped?
What allowed that moment to happen?
These questions help us identify possibilities that already exist within your life.
Tiny wins create momentum
Change doesn’t always begin with a dramatic breakthrough. Sometimes it begins with something incredibly small.
You pause instead of reacting.
You make the phone call you’ve been avoiding.
You tell your partner what you actually need.
You take a walk.
You recognize a negative thought without automatically believing it.
You have one conversation that feels more connected than the last one.
A tiny win might not solve the entire problem, but it can show you that something different is possible.
And once we identify something that works, we can ask: How can we do more of that?
Progress doesn’t have to look dramatic
We often underestimate progress because we’re comparing ourselves to where we think we should be. But, meaningful change can happen gradually.
If a couple has one conversation this week that feels more respectful, that’s worth noticing.
If someone who typically avoids difficult conversations expresses one feeling honestly, that’s worth noticing.
If you respond to yourself with compassion instead of criticism one time, that’s worth noticing.
The goal isn’t perfection. The goal is to notice movement.
Ask a different question
Instead of asking:
“Why can’t I get this right?”
Try:
“When has this been a little better?”
Instead of:
“Why do we always communicate this way?”
Try:
“When have we been able to talk without getting stuck?”
Instead of:
“What’s wrong with me?”
Try:
“What am I already doing that helps, even a little?”
The questions we ask can change what we notice, and what we notice can give us clues about where to go next.
Start smaller than you think you need to
You don’t have to figure out the entire path forward today. You may only need to identify the next small step.
One conversation.
One boundary.
One different response.
One moment of connection.
One thing that worked.
Then build from there.
Change doesn’t begin with having all the answers. Sometimes it begins with noticing one small thing that is already working, and doing a little more of it.
